(trigger warning for violence, drugs and suicide)
I used to be so afraid of dying…I told myself that it was the circumstances of my death that I feared, not the death itself. I didn’t want it to be painful or to suffer.
Most of my past life memories were of my death, and they were all violent and painful.
I remember one life where I was beaten and left to die in a ditch by a group of men. Another where I was tortured by priests and eventually died from my infected wounds. A ship sinking, execution…they get hazy, but it’s the death I always remember. Never how I lived.
I obviously needed to come to some kind of healing place with death and I had to do it in this lifetime before it happened again. For once, I wanted to be okay with it. I wanted to be at peace with dying.
Queue my journey into acceptance of both death and life. After all, you can’t have one without the other. Right?
I began by trying to remember more about these reincarnations and exploring why it was always about the death. What had I done to deserve these deaths. What had I done to bring this karma? I finally realized that it wasn’t a punishment, but a lesson for growth and creation. A lesson my soul had set up for me that would continue to repeat until I finally caught on. It’s taken me hundreds of lives to do so.
A couple of months ago I had a health emergency and ended up in the hospital, and while I was there, I said something to a nurse that landed me on a psych hold for suicidal ideation. I told her that I considered suicide as an alternative to calling 911 that day. Skip to me spending 10 days of medical and psychiatric treatment on suicide watch. I made a breakthrough at about day 6 or 7.
A lovely therapist started visiting me and helped me to start processing what I was going through and I had telehealth visits with a psychiatrist to get my meds adjusted.
This breakthrough began to take shape on the ambulance ride. The EMT gave me ketamine (I don’t recommend) for my pain and I proceeded to go down that existential rabbit hole one goes down. I was still in pain, extremely uncomfortable and I remember the entire experience. I remember dying…but I died in another timeline. In a parallel timeline, in that ambulance, they gave me too much ketamine and I died.
The 2 timelines merged at that point and I continued in this new one. I experienced the death I’d been wishing for, but I still wasn’t finished, so I remained.
The moment it happened I looked at the EMT and told him I just died. He told me no, I didn’t die. I would be fine. I wondered at the time how I wasn’t dead…I felt myself die. I put it out of my mind while the emergency room nurses shamed me for not getting help sooner. I had surgery and was admitted with an M1 hold.
Days later, in that hospital room, it all came rushing back to me and it occurred to me that I’d already died and that’s why I just wanted to give in. I remember telling my therapist and psychiatrist that I felt like I was already dead. I died already so why was I still here? I had to make peace with death.
I was given permission to have a pencil and paper so I could journal (do shadow work) and started to piece together what had happened and why. I did die in that other timeline, but I wasn’t finished with this incarnation so I merged with another timeline so I could continue without having to go through another birth. Just trying to save time, you know? I really want this to be my final lifetime on earth so I wasn’t going to go until I was complete.
So I made my peace with my death. I was still severely depressed and thinking about giving up though. What was I missing? Why would I be so ready to give up if I didn’t want to come back in another life? I wasn’t done. I was at war with my existence.
The answer came to me in a flash.
I’ve made my peace with death, now I need to make my peace with life.
Making my peace with death gave me comfort and made me feel less helpless. No more fear or pain is necessary. Making my peace with life is different. It made me face my existential dread of “why am I here?” and “What’s my purpose?”
“What am I supposed to be doing?”
The answer came to me almost as soon as I asked and while it’s too personal to share, trust me, we all have a purpose. The trick is to unlearn what you think you know. Stop comparing yourself to the ideas you’ve been taught about being worthy or whatever. That’s all bull shit.
Human incarnations exist because we love Creation. Our souls are unconditional love and Source and all of our experiences as humans create more energy. Energy that helps the Universe grow and expand. We are Creators of reality and we are all connected through Source, whom we love dearly.
This is why we fell to Earth. For the love of Source and our desire to help it grow and expand. Our desire to Create.
So if you are still reading this, thank you. You are dearly loved and your existence matters. You mean something.
You need to make peace with that so you can heal all those little cracks in your soul from traumas lived and deaths suffered.
Blessed be,
Ginger
Red Apple Magick 